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03-26-2006, 11:09 PM
Me and Epi were chatting and we threw together a top ten ideas on how TNA should advance to really become competition for WWE:-
1) Rename TNA Impact! to TNA Nitro! -
Everyone knows the name and how many MILLIONS of people are bound to see "Nitro" in the listings and go "HOLY SHIT IT'S BACK" score one for TNA.
2) Sign Goldberg on a $400000000 10year deal.
10year deals always work, look at WWE and Mark Henry, they totally got their money out of him. But what they should do is ONLY LET HIM WRESTLE ON XPLOSION. This was TNA looks awesome cause they have HUGE stars on their shitest shows, so their PPVs must be UBER-HUGE! I say let him debut with no build up on Xplosion against Samoa Joe. (Joe's fat so he deserves to be on the shitty show anyway till he agrees to hit some roids)
3) Gay Tag-Teams
It's the future. Give the fans what they want, If they cheer "Brokeback mountain" at AMW, make AMW into Brokeback Mountain, hell, whynot even let them just recite lines from the movie and then make-out for 15minutes each show. Plus the Naturals already look like Homos so Gays vs Gays in a Gay-cage (six sides of steel painted pink and filled with feathers) HAS to happen at one PPV.
4) Have all Title changes happen off-TV
I think Jarrett needs the belt back, so, what better way to do it than travl lto Canada? Seriously, have him and Cage head up to Canada, have a match in a school gym in front of 20 people, have a title change and BAM! 20 new fans right there, do this 400times in the space of 2months (Jarrett winning it every time of course) and you have like 50950897 fans guarenteed!
5) Have somone die, like actually die, on PPV
Sabu. Seriously, how many times have they called him suicidal? Have they ever followed it through? NO! That's false advertising and people will tune in to see a man trying o kill himself and when they see no death, they'll be pissed off and want to watch something else...something NOTRTHERN. So I propose Sabu vs Raven in a "Razorblades Every-fucking-where" (this after Raven has reutrned with no build up or any idea of continuing the Larry Z storyline) with Sabu losing after clming to the top of the barbwire cage(did I mention that?) and attempting to land an Arabian facebuster on Raven who is lying on a table above a 6foot hole full of razorblades (think Saw2 with the needles).Sabu misses and slicies himslfl open a million times on razorblades and bleeds to death. On TV. Think of the news it'll get!
6) Turn AJ Styles Heel
What better way to have him do it than give him a priceless gimmick as the local necropheliac, so after Sabu's death match...AJ comes down to the ring, climbs in the pit (carefully) and undoes his trunks and...well you know what happens next. If he refuses on religious grounds, fire the little bastard, he wasn't muscly enough anyway.
7) Steiner = X Division Champion
Who better to show the high-flying, jaw dropping awesome action of the X divsion than Big Poppa pump? Sure a Spiral Trap may be impressive...but HAVE YOU SEEN STEINER'S ARMS? THEY'RE FUCKING HUGE, THE FANS WILL LOVE IT!
EDIT: I would have him as World Champ if JJ wasn't so deserving.
EDIT: Every match on the card must end 2 minutes shorter than planned to save time for a Steiner beatdown of everyone in the match just before it finishes.
8) Hire Vince Russo and Eric Bischoff
Why? Becuase they're fricking geniuses, just look at their CVs! What more is there to say?
EDIT: Oh okay, it'll keep Easy E away from up north too.
9) TNA Juniors Title
The reason it failed up North was becuase they wern't fighting for anything! In TNA they will have a huge belt (bigger than thier bodies) and it'll be defended every week in a (really small) ladder match, guarenteeing them at least 35minutes on the card per show. Who doesn't want to see tiny mexican people performing moonsaults while La Cucaracha is played in the background? I know I do.
EDIT: Plus, we'll take any cast offs from Up North to be honest, ask Shannon Moore.
10) Fire all useless talent.
Christopher Daniels, Sabin, Williams, Shelley AJ. Pretty much the whole of the X division. We'll keep them for a while, to establish the first part of Golderberg's 7 year undefeated streak but after a couple months of 23second matches they'll all be gone. A couple can stay and job to the big guys, the one who looks like a 'tard in a shark suit, he can be funny and Cassidy O'Reily's always good for an ass-raping by Abyss. All the others are too small to be impressive. Fans want to see big, greasy guys hitting the same 6 moves on eachother over and over. There's just not enough room to carry these worthless bastards.
EDIT: We'll keep Norman Smiley actually, we think he could get some 5* matces out of Steiner and JJ so we'll use him for the big money matches, then he's fried.
EDIT: Actually we'll use him as Goldberg fodder first, then he's fired.
With these simple ideas, TNA will really become competition for them up north. If only we were in charges of Panda energy and could threaten to take all the money out of the business unless our demands were met.
1) Rename TNA Impact! to TNA Nitro! -
Everyone knows the name and how many MILLIONS of people are bound to see "Nitro" in the listings and go "HOLY SHIT IT'S BACK" score one for TNA.
2) Sign Goldberg on a $400000000 10year deal.
10year deals always work, look at WWE and Mark Henry, they totally got their money out of him. But what they should do is ONLY LET HIM WRESTLE ON XPLOSION. This was TNA looks awesome cause they have HUGE stars on their shitest shows, so their PPVs must be UBER-HUGE! I say let him debut with no build up on Xplosion against Samoa Joe. (Joe's fat so he deserves to be on the shitty show anyway till he agrees to hit some roids)
3) Gay Tag-Teams
It's the future. Give the fans what they want, If they cheer "Brokeback mountain" at AMW, make AMW into Brokeback Mountain, hell, whynot even let them just recite lines from the movie and then make-out for 15minutes each show. Plus the Naturals already look like Homos so Gays vs Gays in a Gay-cage (six sides of steel painted pink and filled with feathers) HAS to happen at one PPV.
4) Have all Title changes happen off-TV
I think Jarrett needs the belt back, so, what better way to do it than travl lto Canada? Seriously, have him and Cage head up to Canada, have a match in a school gym in front of 20 people, have a title change and BAM! 20 new fans right there, do this 400times in the space of 2months (Jarrett winning it every time of course) and you have like 50950897 fans guarenteed!
5) Have somone die, like actually die, on PPV
Sabu. Seriously, how many times have they called him suicidal? Have they ever followed it through? NO! That's false advertising and people will tune in to see a man trying o kill himself and when they see no death, they'll be pissed off and want to watch something else...something NOTRTHERN. So I propose Sabu vs Raven in a "Razorblades Every-fucking-where" (this after Raven has reutrned with no build up or any idea of continuing the Larry Z storyline) with Sabu losing after clming to the top of the barbwire cage(did I mention that?) and attempting to land an Arabian facebuster on Raven who is lying on a table above a 6foot hole full of razorblades (think Saw2 with the needles).Sabu misses and slicies himslfl open a million times on razorblades and bleeds to death. On TV. Think of the news it'll get!
6) Turn AJ Styles Heel
What better way to have him do it than give him a priceless gimmick as the local necropheliac, so after Sabu's death match...AJ comes down to the ring, climbs in the pit (carefully) and undoes his trunks and...well you know what happens next. If he refuses on religious grounds, fire the little bastard, he wasn't muscly enough anyway.
7) Steiner = X Division Champion
Who better to show the high-flying, jaw dropping awesome action of the X divsion than Big Poppa pump? Sure a Spiral Trap may be impressive...but HAVE YOU SEEN STEINER'S ARMS? THEY'RE FUCKING HUGE, THE FANS WILL LOVE IT!
EDIT: I would have him as World Champ if JJ wasn't so deserving.
EDIT: Every match on the card must end 2 minutes shorter than planned to save time for a Steiner beatdown of everyone in the match just before it finishes.
8) Hire Vince Russo and Eric Bischoff
Why? Becuase they're fricking geniuses, just look at their CVs! What more is there to say?
EDIT: Oh okay, it'll keep Easy E away from up north too.
9) TNA Juniors Title
The reason it failed up North was becuase they wern't fighting for anything! In TNA they will have a huge belt (bigger than thier bodies) and it'll be defended every week in a (really small) ladder match, guarenteeing them at least 35minutes on the card per show. Who doesn't want to see tiny mexican people performing moonsaults while La Cucaracha is played in the background? I know I do.
EDIT: Plus, we'll take any cast offs from Up North to be honest, ask Shannon Moore.
10) Fire all useless talent.
Christopher Daniels, Sabin, Williams, Shelley AJ. Pretty much the whole of the X division. We'll keep them for a while, to establish the first part of Golderberg's 7 year undefeated streak but after a couple months of 23second matches they'll all be gone. A couple can stay and job to the big guys, the one who looks like a 'tard in a shark suit, he can be funny and Cassidy O'Reily's always good for an ass-raping by Abyss. All the others are too small to be impressive. Fans want to see big, greasy guys hitting the same 6 moves on eachother over and over. There's just not enough room to carry these worthless bastards.
EDIT: We'll keep Norman Smiley actually, we think he could get some 5* matces out of Steiner and JJ so we'll use him for the big money matches, then he's fried.
EDIT: Actually we'll use him as Goldberg fodder first, then he's fired.
With these simple ideas, TNA will really become competition for them up north. If only we were in charges of Panda energy and could threaten to take all the money out of the business unless our demands were met.