Tell A Joke

[Duff]

In this thread I want people to post their favourite jokes. Remember the forum rules as well, especially no racism and no masked swearing. Have fun!

[The Pez]

There was a mentally challenged boy who had been homeschool by his mother. One day, the boy's mother decided it was time for him to go to an actual school.

On Monday, as the bus pulled in front of the house, the mother told the boy "remember to be polite and be on your best behavior".The boy stepped in to the bus and looked up at the bus driver. The boy said, in a *retarded* voice "Hello Mrs. Bus driver lady". The bus drvier took one look and him and kicked him off the bus. The boy went inside. The mother asked what happened. The boy told her everything, to which the mother replied "try again tomorrow".

The next day, the bus pulled up and the boy stepped in to the bus. This time, the mother was watching from the window. The boy looked up at the bus driver and said "hello mrs bus driver lady". The bus driver kicked him off the bus. The mother came out to the boy and asked what happened. The boy told her. "Well, try again tomorrow".

The next day, the bus pulled up. This time, the mother came out with the boy. Before the boy got on the bus, the mother asked the bus driver "why are you kicking my son off the bus?" to which the bus driver responded *in a retarded voice "he was making fun of me!"
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It loses something in writing, but this has always been a fave of mine....even if it is crude.

[Duff]

Little Johhny asks his grandad, "do you still have sex with granny?"
"only oral," he replies.
"what's oral?" asks johhny.
Granda gives a toothless grin, and says, " I say '**** you', and she says '**** you too' "

[Drunkacho]

This is more for the people from the UK...

What do you do if you're surrounded by coppers?
Pick em up and spend them!

LMFAO! Lamest joke ever!

[Wrestlingmann]

Sorry if I offend.


Three guys walk into the bar. A Priest, a pedofile, and a rapist.








That was just the first guy.


Not very funny. But i thought it was when i heard it.

[D-Dogg]

No here we go D-Dogg here to tell you all the biggest joke of all here it is:

"Peoples King"

:D ahhh that was fun lol but now for the real joke

A man is having an affair with a married women. One day while their getting it on the womens husband comes home the man jumps out of bed and hides in the womens closet. While in the closet he feels somene next to him it's the womens son. He turns to the man and says "It's dark in here isn't it" the man replies "ermmm yeah" the boy says "I've got a baseball here do you want to buy it" the man thinks to ihmself if he says no the boy will reveal he's here so the man says "how much" the boy replies "£2000" the man is stunned but realises he must and pays the boy. The next week the man is back in bed with the women and again her husband come home so again the man hides in the closet but once again there is the boy who says "It's dark in here isn't it" the man replies "ermmm yeah" the boy says "I've got a baseball glove here do you want to buy it" the man again realises he has no choice and says "how much?" the boy replies "£2000" and again the man excepts and buy. The next week the womens husband is day off so he turns to his son and says "come on son lets play catch outside" he son replies "i can't dad" he dad looks puzzled and says "why not?" the boy replies "because i sold them" the dad says "you sold them, for how much?" the son says "£4000 dad" the dad is annoyied and says "£4000 thats terrible you should not take advantage of your friends like that, for that i'm taking you to confession" so the husband takes the boy to confession and puts him in the confessional box the boy turns to the priest and says "It's darh in here isn't it" and the priest replies "Oh don't bloody well start that again"

Oh yes two quality jokes in one post yes people be in awe of my greatness :D

[KusToM KnucKs]

Okay here's a couple short ones

Whats the difference bettween a King Hit & a 69er ??

69er you can see the **** coming

Whats the difference bettween Kinky & Perverted

Kinky is tickling your ass with a feather Perverted is using the whole chicken

( Hmm damn swear masking screwed up my joke ohwell if you are smart then you can work it out but if your not ill give you a clue starts with C )

[legendaryken]

Two paedophiles sitting chatting when a 12 year old girl walks past them. One says to the other ' You know, I bet she was a looker in her day.'

[Weaf]

A paedophile and a kid are walking in the woods, "It's scary here" says the kid". "How did you think I feel?" Says the paedophile "I've got to walk out of here by myself!"

[SCOTT]

Blind man walks into a fish market and takes a big sniff and says "Hello ladies"

[Funk]

I don't get the fish joke. I've heard some of other jokes like that, but I don't understand. Can you please explain? :confused:

[legendaryken]

You're having us on, FMF.

Just remember, there's only two things that smell like fish....and one of them is fish.

[Funk]

Thanks for the PM now I get it.


Joke:

Two muffins were sitting in an oven, one of the muffins who was feeling very warm and bothered goes and says to the other, "Boy Is it me or Is IT HOT IN HERE!" the other replies in shock "Holy crap a talking muffin!!!"

[TheMainMan25]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
acarton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a2 lb. can of coffee, and
and a 1lb package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out,
a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front
of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,
"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know
what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know
that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
> >>

[Y2J World Champ]

Here are some good jokes.


Fifty fun things to do during an exam

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"

[Mr. Long]

Y2J, that was funny, I'll definately try a couple of those.

I've got a few jokes:

1. What do call a blonde with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese

2. What do call 10 blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes

3. How are a blonde and a turtle alike?
Once they're on their back, they're both pretty much screwed

4. Three guys walk into a bar. You would have thought at least one of them would have seen it.

The next is a dead baby joke, so be forwarned
5. What's difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage

6. Why did the blonde jump over the glass wall?
To see what's on the other side

7. How do you know a blonde has been dating a cowboy?
Belt buckle marks on her forehead

8. Two hobos are walking down some railroad tracks.

Hobo #1: I must be the luckiest guy in the world. Last week, I was walking along these very tracks, and I found 100 dollars. And I bought 100 bucks worth of beer and I was drunk for a week!

Hobo #2: No I'm the luckiest guy in the world. Two weeks ago, I was walking along and found a gorgeous woman tide to these very tracks. I untied her and took her up to that very tree (points to a tree), and we had sex for two weeks!

Hobo #1: Man, you are the luckiest guy in the world. Did you get oral sex too?

Hobo #2: Well, no. I never found her head.

The rest of these I stole from mikethemiz.com

9. The Voodoo Penis


A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.

Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"

The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind- shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass." The rest is history

10. A young boy asks his father,"Dad,is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"Surprised, the father answers,"Well,sure son,we wouldn't be normal if we didn't...there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age--In her twenties,a woman's breasts are like melons,round and firm.In her thirties to forties,they are like pears,still nice but hanging a bit.After fifty,they are like onions.""Onions,Dad?""Yeah,you see them and they make you cry...

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother,"Mom,how many kinds of penises are there?"The mother, delighted to have equal time,answers,"Well,daughter,a man goes through three phrases.In a man's twenties,a man's penis is like an oak,mighty and hard.In his thirties and forties,it is like a birch,flexible but reliable.After his fifties,it is like a Christmas tree.""A Christmas tree?""Yep,dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."

11. Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.



The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Porsche, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "we are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and he dances in a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued. "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Porsche, and a stock portfolio."

[Duff]

credit: www.effect.net.au


A woman sits in front of a mirror looking at her breasts. When her husband walks out of the bathroom, she comments, "Dear, my breasts are too small. Give me some money to have them enlarged."

Her Husband says, "Your breasts are fine. They're just the right size."

Wife: "But everybody has large breasts nowadays. I would be out of fashion if I didn't have large breasts too." Husband, knowing he's fighting a losing battle, "I've got a breast enlarging method that won't cost a cent. What you do is take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts everyday."

Wife: "That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." Husband, "Just do it. I guarantee it'll work." Wife, "You must be joking! What gave you such a silly idea?"

Husband: "It must work! Look what it did to your ass."
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His and hers drive through ATM steps

HIS:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Insert card

3. Enter PIN number and account

4. Take cash, card and receipt


HER:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Check makeup in rearview mirror

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in purse

5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine

6. Hunt for card in purse

7. Insert card

8. Hunt in purse for note with PIN number written on it

9. Enter PIN number

10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.

11. Hit "cancel"

12. Re-enter correct PIN number

13. Check balance

14. Look for envelope

15. Look in purse for pen

16. Make out deposit slip

17. Endorse checks

18. Make deposit

19. Study instructions

20. Make cash withdrawal

21. Get in car

22. Check makeup

23. Look for keys

24. Start car

25. Check makeup

26. Start pulling away

27. STOP

28. Back up to machine

29. Get out of car

30. Take card and receipt

31. Get back in car

32. Put card in wallet

33. Put receipt in checkbook

34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook

36. Check makeup

37. Put car in gear, reverse

38. Put car in drive

39. Drive away from machine

40. Travel 3 miles

41. Release parking brake
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A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.

"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."

"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back."

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear."

"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."

Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office.

"Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.

"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."

"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.

"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.

"Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren't bags, those are your boobs, and if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"
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Date: 02 April 1998 01:59

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.
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10 things only women can understand
1) Cats' facial expressions.
2) The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
3) Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
4) Fat clothes.
5) Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
6) The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
7) Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
8) Eyelash curlers.
9) The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
10) Other Women

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How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?


One.

Only ONE!!

And do you know WHY?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb!

They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!

They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!

WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.

THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS #@*$!#@!... HOUSE!

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

(That one is definately my mum, on any given day)

[Duff]

A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers?" Bar tender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?" Bar tender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers? Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out. Duck comes back the next day and asks, "Got any nails?" Bar tender says no. Duck says "Good. Got any crackers?"


Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've ducked.

A mushroom walks into a bar and says "Drinks are on me.". The bartender said "Why are you buying everybody drinks?", and the mushroom said "Because I'm just a Fungi."

A guy walks into the bar and says to the bartender "I'll bet you $200 I can piss into that glass without spilling a drop", pointing to a glass on the top shelf. The bartender contemplates this and says "You're on". So the guy drops his daks and proceeds to piss all over the bar, and when he's finished the only dry spot left is the top shelf. The bartender is beside himself with laughter, but stops laughing when he see's the other guy smiling. "What are you smiling for?" he asks the guy, "You've just lost $200". "Yeah", says the guy, "but I bet the blokes outside $1000 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd be laughing."


A nun walks by a bar and then all of a sudden a drunk man walks out and starts beating the crap out of the nun; people start gathering around and break it up, then the drunk man gets up stagering and mumbles, "I told you batman wasn't that tough."
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What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
20 kg.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$9.99 a minute.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get the remote.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy, but wearable."

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at ****tail parties.

Do you know why women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

[The Pez]

Here are some good jokes.




Fifty fun things to do during an exam


You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"

Might want to say where you got those from.


Here's some more

On an island far away, there lived a tribe called the Fugawee's. The problem that the tribe had was that they were 3 feet tall, and the grass was 5 feet tall. Every day, the tribe would go out into the grass and say "Where the Fugawee?"(where the **** are we?)

What's the difference between passion and lust?
-A few hundred bucks

(Credit goes to Michaael Junior from the Just For Laughs Comedy Fesitval for these ones)

I used to work at a gas station, that's why I became a comedian. It just sort of happened. I'd accidentally make fun of the customers.
-A man came in one day with a horrible looking wig on. He came up to the counter with a few items and I asked him "how are you going......toupee?"
- Another time an overweight woman came in. I was talking on the phone at the time and she seemed really impatient. After hanging up I told her "sorry about your weight."

I like to jog. I like to stay in shape. But I learned to never jog at nights. I was jogging one night and I saw this white lady start jogging in front of me. It started to get a little cold, so I started to jog a bit faster. The lady look behind her, and then started to pick up the pace. I looked back, I didn't see anything, but if a white person is scared of it....then I'm scared of it too so I picked up the pace.
The lady looked back a second time and started to run even faster. This time, I didn't even look back. I started going faster. I could've easily passed her, but there was no way I was going to leave a defenceless women all by herself so I yelled up to her "is that as fast as you can go?" (It should be noted that Michael Junior is a black male.)

[Duff]

Men's answers to women's questions


No we can't be friends, I just want you for sex.
The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that ****ing icecream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
You've got no chance of me calling you.
No, I won't be gentle.
Of course you have to swallow.
Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
I hate your ****ing friends.
I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonite.
I'd rather watch a porno.
Eat it??? It took me ten pints to get up the courage to **** it.

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The Masculinity Self - Test:

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as: a) Lovemaking b) Screwing c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship b) Your blood-test results c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that: a) Your partner climaxes first b) You both climax simultaneously c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: a) Healthy, creative love-play b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: a) The best part of the experience b) The second best part of the experience c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is: a) No concern of yours b) Not a problem - she can join your gym c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: a) A myth b) An oxymoron c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as: a) Appetizer is to entree b) Priming is to painting c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? a) "I hope we can still be friends." b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone." c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy b) Is uptight and a waste of time c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


Answers:


If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.


If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.


If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

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What women should never say to a naked man.


I've smoked fatter joints than that.
Ahhh,it's cute.
Why don't we just cuddle?
Can I paint a smiley face on it?
Wow, and your feet are so big.
It's OK, we'll work around it.
(giggle and point)
How sweet, you brought incense.
This explains your car.
Why isGod punishing me?
At least this won't take long.
But itstill works, right?
It looks so unused.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Are you cold?
If you get me real drunk first.
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.

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The one that didn't make it to air.....

Cover charge: $15.00

Round of drinks: $23.00

Table dance: $30.00

Another round of drinks: $23.00

Couch dance and tips: $50.00

A round of shots: $34.00

Another round of drinks: $23.00

Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00

Private dance and hotel room: $500.00

Sending her on her way and never having to listen to her bitching............Priceless